I'm sensing difficult years ahead of me.... My oldest is 13 (THIRTEEN!!! *gasp*), and lately we are constantly at each other's throats. *sigh* But I love her to bits.

Thing is.....I get freaked out! I never had a good relationship with my own mom. In fact, there was no relationship. She was emotionally unavailable. We hardly spoke, never hugged. Never once told me she loved me*. I could never do anything right in her eyes, and she had no problem telling anyone that. Not even being a straight-A student did the trick. There were very hard years growing up, and I always envied friends' families. I still do. Its always been a very sad spot in my heart. But, I learned to live with it. I got to a point where I didn't care anymore, it didn't matter anymore.

And then I had children of my own...

So even though I have pretty good relationships with my children, and we have good communication, I can't help but freak out when things go rough. And I'm so afraid of finding something of my mother in myself. And I'm so afraid my kids might someday feel the same towards me as I do towards my mother. Its such a huge load to carry...I want them to feel what I never did.



*A couple of years ago, while talking on the phone (while we were living abroad), she told me she loved me....and I was stunned. It was just too weird.